I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
