Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
