did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
