I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
