Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
