I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize