I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
