3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
