Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
3 2 1 whiskey
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
