I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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