I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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