peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
