i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
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I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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