one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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