My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
