respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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