I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
