Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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