All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
