I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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