my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
