i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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