I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
