I would go down on you faster than GM stock
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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