And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
