dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
