People in love make me want to vomit
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
