the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
