i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How external is "for external use only"?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
