Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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