I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
