That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
