I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
