just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
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I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
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So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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