the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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