my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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