Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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