I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
