I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
