kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
