A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
