I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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