Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
