tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
