Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
