The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
