So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
