If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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