how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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