Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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