the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
