hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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