I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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