I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
