Reggie can tackle my bush.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
