I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
