My underwear smells like fireworks.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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