Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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