I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
