so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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