my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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