Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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