i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
